Genesis 3:14
And the Lord God turned to Joey the squirrel and said: I already told thou to get out of the Tree! Shoo thou varmint!
Genesis 3:14.5
Occasionally, I have been asked why I hate squirrels as much as I do. Depending on the audience and the circumstances of the topic coming up, a number of answers can be given. With that in mind, I set out to write an essay on the subject. However, it occurs to me that a simple catechism may be more appropriate and necessary. It has been clear that, in recent times, the stand against the evils of squirrels has lacked the fire that it once had. If the DOGS (Democratically Organized 'Gainst Squirrels) are to regain lost ground, a more informed brotherhood is required.
With that said, I present the first edition of this catechism. It is organized to first cover practical physical questions, followed by philosophical, and lastly, by the spiritual reasons to be anti-squirrel.
PARTUM I: [PHYSICAL]
Q1: Is it true that a squirrel is cute?
No, it is not true that a squirrel is cute. A squirrel only appears to be cute due to its fluffy tail.
Q2: If a squirrel is not cute, what descriptor characterizes a squirrel?
A squirrel is but a rat with a fluffy tail. Therefore, a squirrel inherits those descriptors of rats such as gross, ugly, and mange.
Q3: Is it true that a squirrel helps the environment through the planting of trees?
No, it is not true that a squirrel helps the environment through the planting of trees. Birds do that just as well if not better. Birds are related to dinosaurs and therefore much cooler and older than squirrels.
Q4: I saw a squirrel eating out of a bird feeder. Does that mean that a squirrel is actually a bird?
No! That just goes to show how stupid a squirrel is. Those things don't even know that they aren't birds.
Q5: Is that a squirrel in my attic?
Yes, that is a squirrel in your attic. I hope you didn't have anything valuable stored up there.
PARTUM II [PHILOSOPHICAL]
Q6: Is that a metaphorical squirrel in my metaphorical attic?
Yes, as time progresses and the weight of years pass us by, we are all want to squirrel away metaphorical squirrels in our metaphorical attic.
Q7: What is meant by a metaphorical squirrel?
By a metaphorical squirrel is meant the slight decay of fond memories which we have stored in our metaphorical attic. Imagine your memories as dusty scrap books, newspapers, and photo albums in your mind. Now imagine a big ugly metaphor squirrel sitting in your memories and chewing through your pictures.
Q8: AAA! What can I do to get rid of that metaphor squirrel!?
In order to rid yourself of metaphorical squirrels, you must master the art of the metaphorical yard sale. Taking your metaphorical belongings out of the attic and into the yard, you can separate the things you will keep from the things you will sell. While you are doing this, the metaphor squirrels will be lured to the metaphorical lawn. Once they are, quickly yell, "YOU DANG SQUIRRELS! GET OFF MY LAWN!" This will rid you of the squirrels and you should make a tidy sum from the junk you sell in the sale.
Q9: I yelled, but now everyone is looking at me like I'm crazy. What should I do?
If those around you do not understand why you are yelling "YOU DANG SQUIRRELS! GET OFF MY LAWN!" while you are waiting for your coffee at Starbucks, then those poor people are trapped with their own squirrels. Pay them no mind. Those who have held metaphorical yard sales will understand.
Q10: Who is the greatest squirrel philosopher?
Squirrels have not produced a single philosopher in their time.
PARTUM III [SPIRITUAL]
Q11: Of which capital sins are squirrels repeatedly and unapologetically committing?
All of 'em. You name it; they do it. Always runnin' around bein' angry, gluttonous, slothful, prideful. Little monsters.
Q12: Why are squirrels called more evil then snakes?
In Genesis, a serpent is said to have been in a fruit tree. I ask you, why would a serpent be in a fruit tree? Serpents eat squirrels. I bet you that there was some squirrel messin' around in that tree. The serpent wouldn't have even been up there if that squirrel hadn't first tempted him into the tree.
Q13: Are you attempting to blame original sin on squirrels?
…YES…
Q14: You know, I was starting to suspect something was up during the metaphorical yard sale, and now this is too much.
OH! Is it really!? Well you can go and let these squirrels run free then! See if I care! Just know that when the squirrels come to seduce your children to all manner of violence and evil action, YOU stood by and let them.
Q15: Is this how you end your anti-squirrel evangelization? By yelling about squirrels disrupting the moral fabric of our society?
No, we usually end by asking whether you can spare a small donation to support our group in raising awareness. If you donate today, you will receive a lovely tote bag like this, and I'll sign you up for our e-newsletter.